Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
