Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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