this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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