I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
