you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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