His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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