I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
