All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
