turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
