are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
