but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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