i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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