so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
