I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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