I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
