Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
