I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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