i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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