My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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