I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
