Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
