I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
