Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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