Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
