Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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