how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
