dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
