I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
do nipples grow back?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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