Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
