Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I touched a dick in church today
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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