I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
