I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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