it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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