I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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