Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
