and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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