I just pynch a tree in the face
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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