did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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