Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
