Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
