Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
