i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just blew my weed a kiss
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
