Apparently you make a good broom.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
