One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
