got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
