drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
