So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
