My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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