put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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