you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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