ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
